Don't Say Always or Never...

It’s an unwritten rule in our house that we don’t say always or never.  By unwritten, I mean, it’s a rule that I say to the children whenever I hear them say these words, but beyond that, it isn’t actually written down anywhere, we haven’t tried drilling it into them (unlike, the rule, “no biting!” – that one is definitely a REAL rule), and I’m pretty sure my husband isn’t fully on-board with the notion, mostly because we’ve never (!) had a conversation about it directly.  Nonetheless, it’s a rule I proclaim, and I’m sticking to it.  Now, before going further, I should say, as with all rules, there are exceptions (much like English grammar, in fact):

·         I never want to eat liver and onions.  Never.

·         I never want to watch boxing matches, except for in the Rocky movies (NOT past Rocky III) and Raging Bull (see, there’s even exceptions to the exception).

·         I never want to iron.  (And I don’t!)

·         I never want to drive in Los Angeles, California.                             

If I thought really, really hard about it, there might be a few more, but that’s the gist of it for me.  My nevers. 

                        And…
 

·         I always want to stay up later than I should.

·         I always want to remember to be grateful for the amazing family and friends in my life.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I always want to be thankful. (I’m not claiming that I succeed at this, but I’d like to.)

·         I always want to spend at least a week at a beach every year.

·         I always want to accomplish more than I do in a day (but I’m working on just letting that go…wabisabi, right!  See my first blogpost for clarification.)

·         I always want to feel the joy of seeing my children’s wonder…assures me like nothing else that God is.

Okay, so I fudge on the rule myself.  Even so, I feel pretty strongly that teaching my children that they shouldn’t say always or never is going to serve them in life.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  Why?  Because the fact is that almost nothing is always or never anything.  It goes to the reality of things being understood in relation to other things, circumstances, people, events, and experiences.  Context matters.  Cultural assumptions and societal norms sometimes (often!) play a part.  While there might be some truth to a statement like “he’s always saying it’s my fault,” the truth lays somewhere between his saying that and the amount of time that approaches always…that is, the truth is more like, “he says it’s my fault a lot of the time,” or even “it feels like he says it’s my fault a lot of the time.”  Thus are the kinds of things I often hear from one of my three children.  They don’t really mean that another one of them always says this or that…which brings us to why I respond to such declarations with “We don’t say always or never.”  Because truth-telling is especially important. 

If my husband and I do nothing right as parents, let us at least get this right – instilling in our kids the idea that the truth trumps everything else.  Regardless of how bad something is, how uncertain you are about something, how awful you think you’ve screwed up, whatever it might be – that thing you just absolutely think must stay secret, perhaps especially that! – telling the truth is ALWAYS better than not telling it.  (There’s the exception again.  Perhaps the very one that proves the rule!).  We have a dear friend who says, Nothing bad comes from telling the truth.  She’s right. Wouldn’t it be nice if the politicians in our country agreed?  That’s a subject for a different post, though.  

So… because I believe this to be so, when I hear declarations with always or never, I’m going to keep on proclaiming to the children – We don’t say always or never.  Recognizing, of course, there are always (!) a few exceptions.  By the way, what’s on your lists of always and nevers?